My Take on Friendship

Friendship

Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I have been married to my Air Force husband for nearly 14 years.  We have 4 children ages, 11, 8, 3, and 2.  I have the luxury and gift of being a stay at home, home schooling mom.  We will be moving to Ramstein, Germany in May and this will be our 8^th duty station.  

I am sharing from personal experience and from a few books that I’ve been reading on this topic. You’ll find those titles and authors below. I also asked my longtime friends near and far to share their friendship advice, which I've included as well.

First, I’d like to start with a little bit of my personal friendship history.

I was three years old when my parents joined a small church where I became friends with Anna who was a year older than me.  That was 32 years ago. Anna and I are still Best Friends.  We grew up together. As a matter of fact she just spent a week with me and my children during my visit stateside a few weeks ago.  We hadn’t seen each other in a year and a half. And, because we have a seven hour time difference, our phone calls have been few and far between. Yet, even though I have moved around the United States and now the world, ever since my Junior year of high school, we have remained close.  

Fast forward to when I was 27 years old and had just relocated to Tacoma, WA.  Not only was I brand new to the area, but I had just had my second baby in July and was feeling very isolated. I needed friends.   So, I went to a MOPS group meeting in September.  I remember our coordinator gave a welcome speech and she said, “Don’t be surprised if you find out that you’re sitting right next to your new Best Friend.”  I thought to myself, “Best friend?  I’m just looking for a friend!”.  Little did I know that through MOPS meetings, Mom’s Nights Out and serving in the MOPS ministry, I would indeed make and keep TWO best friends, Shannon and Tara. Just like with Anna, my childhood best friend, we have also kept up our relationships over the years and through my moves. Shannon is one of those 2 women and she’s here tonight, all the way from Washington State.

How did we get so close and stay so close? That’s what I’d like to share with you now.

First, I want to tell you that I am a Christ follower. This means that I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins so that I can be in relationship with Him on a personal level.  And, I will spend eternity in Heaven.

I believe that ultimately, God is the one who brings friends into my life, at just the right time, and for a specific purpose. 

I think of my life, my entire life, the years past, what’s happening now and my future as a giant puzzle.  I can only see one piece at a time. I don’t always know what God is doing in my life and I don’t always understand what I’m going through or why I’m going through it. I don’t always see how the pieces fit together.

But, I choose to trust that God knows.

My favorite verse in the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11 and it reads, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope”. 

Because I believe that God has a plan for my life, as this verse tells me, each acquaintance, each woman I meet in the different social circles I’m part of, each friend that I end up building a deep and lasting friendship with is part of God’s plan for my life.  Each person is a beautiful piece to my life puzzle.

Over my lifetime,

I HAVE LEARNED Four IMPORTANT THINGS about how to make and keep friendships.

First Lesson: I can’t be Besties with EVERY single person I meet.

I think that there are different levels of friendship. I like to think of these levels as rings around me. My closest ring of friends is a Close/Intimate group.  These women are allowed into my life and heart to a degree that they can significantly influence me. They share the same faith and are sounding boards for each other through life. We pray for each other. These are the women who I go to for advice and godly, biblical insight concerning anything with my life. These women are living life alongside of me.  Because I’m a military wife, these women may be with me in person or they might be across the globe.  I like to call them my “Heart Friends”. I can share my heart thoughts and secrets and know that I’m completely accepted and loved and known.  And, they still want to be my friend. This is my smallest ring of friends.

Author McGinnis says, “The fact of the matter is that one cannot have a profound connection with more than a few people.  Time prohibits it. Deep friendship requires cultivation over the years and lots of time for talk.”

He also says that the reason there is a shortage of close relationships is because we do not devote ourselves to it enough.  We think close intimate friendships will “just happen”. But, of course, few valuable things in life ever “just happen”.

If we want deep, intimate, close friendships, we need to make it a priority in our lives. This requires setting aside time to spend with a person or persons. 

As a mom with young ones at home, this can be difficult to do.  However, my some of my most fulfilling relationships began when I was in that season of life mothering little ones.  Yet, it can be difficult to make the time for it in between feedings, naps and making dinner.   

For me, when I find a friend that I want to know more, get to know at a deeper level, I find and carve out the time to spend with her.  I make it a priority. No matter what season of life I am in.

Then the next ring consist of good friends, who although I might not share every detail of my life, they don’t have as great of an influence on me as my first ring of friends does.  But they are still an important part of my life. We spend time together, we may even share big moments like births in our families or do a Bible study together, share prayer requests with each other.  We have great conversations, meet up periodically for playdates or to talk, I might share some details about my life but usually what pertains to our conversations. But, we don’t keep up with each other’s day to day lives on a regular basis.

And, then the outmost group consists of my acquaintances. This is probably your FB friend list. These are women I see here and there or FB periodically, but our lives don’t intersect on a regular basis. I’m not doing life alongside them. Even still, I enjoy spending time with them at functions or I enjoy a conversation with them about general topics.

Over the years, God has brought friends into my life and placed them in different rings.  Usually, a person starts in the third ring, as an acquaintance and over time, many conversations, time spent together, she may end up being in my closest ring. I don’t plan for that to happen, but God does. I have met amazing women that I wanted to be close to, admired, tried to become more than acquaintances, but that never happened.  I trust that God knows who I need at which level of friendship and at which season of life.

Second Lesson:  Take off your mask!

We need to understand that in order to have someone reveal their hearts to us, we much be willing to reveal ourselves to them.

In John Ortberg’s book, Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them, he talks about different masks we tend to hide behind.

He says that some people hide behind superficial conversation. They make lots of small talk but their words are a shield. They are hiding their hearts.

Some people hide behind humor. They have a great gift for making you laugh. But, you notice over time that whenever the conversation gets tense or sad or begins to get personal, they find some way to make a joke. They hide behind a smiling face.

Some people hide behind a mysterious silence or shyness or brazen self-assurance.

Some people use their intelligence as a mask. Others use ignorance.. Some mask themselves in busyness, their work, their competence and success.

Some people have high tech masks with  remote controls or touch screens.

In the church, some people mask themselves in spirituality. They quote Bible verses or speak of having “deep peace” or that “God is in control”.

But, really, we are not drawn to those types of people as Heart Friends.

We are drawn to people who take off their mask and reveal themselves to us.  

So, if I want someone to be drawn to me, I must remove my mask!

Let’s face it, the truth is that we all have a few deep secrets. 

Everyone carries hurts, wounds. We all have stuggles in life.  And, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d love to have someone to share that with. 

How do we know when it’s safe to reveal our hearts to someone?

I love this quote by a 12^th century author, “We owe love to all people, but only to a proven friend are we to entrust the secrets of the heart.”

FIRST,  you must spend time with that person in order to find out if they possess the qualities of a trustworthy, close ring, friend. 

SECOND, it takes many conversations.  How else will you find out if someone is not only fun to be around or someone you click with but also someone worthy of revealing your heart to as well.

THIRD, once I’ve done those two things, time together and talking,  I usually entrust them with a small piece of personal information about my childhood, a parenting issue, something relevant to what we’re talking about.  And, I see what her reaction is.  Is she accepting and loving in spite of the heavy or ugly thing I just shared?  Does she keep it private without me having to ask her to keep it private?  Does she judge me or listen and encourage? Does she rattle off advice that I did not ask for or show empathy for what I’ve shared?

Next, does she reveal something about herself? Many times people are stuck behind their mask. It has happened to me where I’m enjoying a particular friend, we have fun, I get to the point where I want to reveal something to her and I do. But, then that level of intimacy is not reciprocated.  And, that’s my sign to not drop her friendship but to know she may not either want that level of friendship or she may not know what it means to take off her mask and reveal her heart. And, that’s okay.

To quote McGinnis, “Some of us go to great lengths to hide our humble origins when honesty about them would disarm those around us and pull them into a more intimate connection.”  Some people are just too scared to take off their mask.

When this happens, I choose to just love that person where she is at and not take it personally.  Her resistance to removing her mask and revealing herself probably has nothing to do with me but her own insecurities or her past friendship hurts or something is going on in her personal life. 

Sometimes, a deep friendship grows eventually. Either way, I just have to accept whatever level of friendship she’s willing to share with me.

I am not saying that our emotional life should be an open book everywhere we go. Most people shy away from someone who tells their entire life stories with intimate details in the first hour you meet them.

Each of us have the right to silence and must decide how much of ourselves to reveal at any given time.

Removing your mask is a risk. Be careful. But, I encourage you to take the plunge and do it when you feel it’s safe. Don’t miss the opportunity of having a Heart Friend.

Third Lesson: Building friendships, builds my character.  

Here are some character traits that I try to demonstrate to all my rings of friends,

and, ones I should be looking for when deciding to take off my mask or not.

A friend is loyal, honest, gives advice only when asked for it, listens, forgives, loves and shows kindness. She keeps confidences. This means we keep our mouths closed. Friends are sensitive to each other. In a nutshell, treat others how you want to be treated as a friend.

Three  Main Character Traits

Serving, Accepting, and Extending Grace

When I make these three character traits a priority in all my rings of friendship, the other character traits I mentioned before are easier for me to demonstrate.  Let me explain.

SERVING

Marian Jordan, author of The Girlfriends Guidebook says that, “a real friendship, as God defines one, is a relationship where each party seeks the best for the other and places the other’s needs before her own.” She says that, “a friend is the girl who is there for you, expecting nothing for her self in return. A friend is there on moving day. A friend helps wash the dishes long after the dinner party is over and the guests have all cleared out. A friend senses a full blown mommy meltdown and takes the kids for the afternoon. A friend sits in the doctor’s office to hold your hand and hear the report. True friends SERVE each other.”

If your motive for serving your friend is because you hope to be repaid in some way, then you have the wrong motive.  True friends don’t keep score with who did what for whom and who still owes whom a favor.  Friends don’t take advantage of each other, but they don’t keep a tab either.

Serving our friends means we are in the friendship for what we can GIVE not what we can GET out of it.

Accepting

 John Ortberg describes this best. He says, “To accept people is to be FOR them. It is to recognize that it is a very good thing that these people are alive and to long for the best for them. It does not, of course, mean to approve of everything they do. It means to continue to want what is best for their souls no matter WHAT they do.” To be FOR them and to want what is best FOR them.

When I truly accept someone, I see the darkness of secrets, their past, their present, their imperfections and I choose to love them anyways. I don’t just tolerate them. Tolerating them means I’m just putting up with their existence. Acceptance is more than that. It’s truly believing that it is a very good thing that person is alive.  I accept them, “as is”.

I accept them for who they are right now, not who I want them to be not as someone who will meet my expectations.  As is!

Extending Grace 

This is an area I think I have had the hardest time growing in. My personality is such that my innate self, my “natural bent”, is that I take things personally. This is an area of my life that I have been actively working on for about 8 years.  

Because I tend to take things personally I have made the mistake of not extending grace when I had the opportunity.

Extending grace is essential to healthy friendships.  Extending grace means that I make allowances for actions done to me or words said that could hurt my feelings or make me feel left out or make me feel unimportant to that person. 

Here is an example. Maybe this will help you understand what I’m talking about. 

My best friend doesn’t call me on my birthday.  8 years ago, this would have hurt my feelings. I would have felt unimportant to her and possibly even questioned if we were really best friends.  And, most likely when she did call, I would be short or snappy, never mentioning that she had hurt my feelings. But hoping she got the point.  I call this sort of friend a high maintainance friend. And, that’s what I was. I was not extending grace. I was not making allowances for her and was wanting her to meet MY expectations.

Since I’ve realized this about myself, I now know how to extend grace.  Yes, maybe my friend should have remembered to call on my birthday. But, maybe she had a bad day. Maybe, her baby is sick or she’s fighting with her husband. Maybe, she was just too busy and didn’t get around to it. My feeling of being important to her is not based on whether or not my friend remembers to call me on my birthday. It’s based on our friendship, all the things we’ve shared with each other, the times we were there for each other.

And, guess what else I learned.  I am not perfect. I have been the one to forget to call or send a card on time. I have been the one who needed grace extended to me. And, thankfully, I have friends who have.  They understood. They didn’t judge me because I didn’t call. They didn’t get hurt feelings. They thought the best of me and knew that if I could have called, I would have. And, if it did hurt their feelings, they brought it to my attention instead of being short or snappy with me. 

In my experience, extending grace takes practice.  But, it builds character in yourself and lasting friendships with others.  Don’t be a high maintaince friend, extend grace. 

I encourage you to SERVE, ACCEPT, and Extend Grace to all your friends. Demonstrating these character traits builds relationships in every ring of friendships and may also create a safe place for a Heart Friendship to develop as well.

FOURTH LESSON:

I won’t make Heart Friends at every duty station I live.  And, that’s okay.

Throughout my talk tonight, I have referred to my rings of friends.  When I mentioned my first ring of friends, my Heart Friends, one person that came to your mind may have been your husband.  I couldn’t go further in my talk without encouraging you to build your relationship with your husband. He needs to be your Heart Friend.  Everything I’ve talked about tonight is useful for marriages as well.

I want to end with another personal story of when I desired badly to have Heart Friends but God just wasn’t placing that puzzle piece into my life. 

We were stationed in Tacoma, Washington and our time there was difficult on our marriage and family because my husband was gone all the time for work. I needed a support group and friends. And, God met that need through my church family.  God grew me in leadership and gave me a heart for women’s ministry.  I had so many friends and so much support  and was involved heavily with the church that I assumed when we moved to Alabama, God was going to use me in the same way. 

Six months after we moved to Alabama, that was not the case and I was mad at God.  I verbally asked Him why He had brought me to AL. I had no friends, no ministry involvement, nowhere to belong, no church family and was lonely. I missed what I had in Washington.  

As I poured out my complaints to God and told Him all the things I did NOT have, I felt God telling me through gentle nudges inside, “Elizabeth, what do you HAVE right now?  Your husband is home every night and will be for 3 years. Work on your relationship with him. You have a neighbor who home schools the same age children you do. Do you think I placed you in this house on accident? And, you are carrying a healthy baby you’ve been longing for for 5 years after multiple miscarriages. You want to be involved with ministry? You are. Your ministry focus is your family. I’m bringing you home, Elizabeth.”

So, if you find yourself not developing friendships, not belonging anywhere, not being used by God, then maybe God wants to bring your focus home too.  Don’t resent that puzzle piece. Embrace it.

My hope for each of you tonight is that you embrace EVERY puzzle piece. Make friends, remove your masks, build character. And,  along the way, collect Hearts Friends.

Resource List:

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by McGinnis, Alan Loy

The Girlfriends Guidebook: Navigating Female Friendships by Jordan, Marian

Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them by John Ortberg