Practical Ways to Show Love to Your Children
What
are the first things that come to your mind when you think about the question, “How
can I SHOW love to my children?”.
Many moms quickly tell me, “hugging, kissing, holding, telling them we love them, making sure you’re showing
love in their “language”.” These are all correct answers. But, I encourage you to take it a step further and think about how you can show unconditional love to your children every day, INTENTIONALLY. Read on :)
Most
of what I’m sharing in this post is from Ross Campbell’s book, “How To Really
Love Your Child.” ( He also has a book titled, “How To Really Love Your Teen”.)
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
First,
let’s go straight to the LOVE CHAPTER of the Bible, I Corinthians 13 and read
verses 4-7. I am reading from The Living Bible translation but you’ll find the
NIV translation on the resource list located at the end of this post as well.
“Love
is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never
haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not
irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when
others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever
truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what
the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and
always stand your ground in defending him” (I Cor. 13:4-7, TLB).
This
verse describes the solid foundation of all love relationships, UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE. In regards to our children,
Unconditional love says that we love our children no matter what they do, say,
or look like and NO matter what we expect them to be or how we expect them to act.
This does not mean we always like our child’s behavior but that we love the child
even when at times we detest their behavior.
Showing
Unconditional love helps our children to not experience feelings of resentment,
or being unloved,. Feeling guilty, fearful, or insecure.
EMOTIONAL TANK
According
to Ross Campbell, every child has an Emotional Tank. When a child’s emotional
needs are met it determines their feelings like whether a child is content or
angry, depressed or joyful.
It
also affects behavior: whether a child is obedient or disobedient, whiny or
perky, playful or withdrawn.
The
fuller their emotional tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the
behavior.
And,
only if this emotional tank is full can a child be expected to feel and act at
his or her best or do his or her best, be happy, reach their potential, and
respond appropriately to discipline.
How
do we know our child’s Emotional Tank level?
Well,
their behavior indicates the status of their tank.
When
I notice a day or several days when one of my children is extra whiny or clingy
or disobedient, I take a step back from the situation and evaluate how much
I’ve invested in their Emotional Tank.
If Daddy hasn’t been home or when he has been home but hasn’t had the
opportunity to fill their tanks, I notice a decline in behavior. When, I’ve
been with them all day but didn’t take the time to make Emotional Tank
deposits, I’ll see a direct correlation to their behavior which will be
negative.
And,
guess who is responsible to keep that emotional tank full? You guessed it. It’s
ours, the parent’s job.
Sounds
like a HUGE responsibility, doesn’t it?
Well, we aren’t expected to go at it alone. God tells us in Philippians
4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in
Christ Jesus.” God can and wants
to help you meet the emotional needs of your children. He wants to help you
show unconditional love and fill their emotional tank every day.
Every
child wants to know from their parents, “Do you love me?” A child asks this question
mostly through their behavior and rarely through verbal communication. Because
a child asks this question with behavior, we usually give this answer by our
behavior, by WHAT we do, our ACTIONS.
I will share with you what ACTIONS we can take to show unconditional love to
our children and keep their emotional tanks full.
I
John 3:18 says it best, “…let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS
and in truth.”
The
five ACTIONS we can do to show love are through Prayer, Eye Contact, Physical Contact, Focused Attention and Discipline.
PRAYER
First,
through prayer. I know I don’t do this enough. But, we need to pray for our children every chance we get
and for ourselves to have wisdom and discernment as their parent.
God
tells us in James 3:5, “If any of
you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without
finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
How
do we ask for wisdom? Through prayer.
You might be wondering, “Where do I find the time?” and “What exactly
should I be praying for?”
Well,
I have three tools that I use on a regular basis. Maybe they can be a springboard for your prayer life as they
have been for mine.
First,
The Busy Mom’s Guide to Prayer by Lisa Whelchel. She includes Scripture based
prayers for yourself, your husband, your children, your government and church
leaders.
Another
tool I use is Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of A Praying Parent. Whatever I
am dealing with concerning one or more of the kids, I look for that topic in
the index. Each chapter has a short personal story from her life and a
Scripture based prayer that you plug your child’s name into, along with a
handful of verses you can memorize or jot down to keep as a quick reminder
through the day of what to be praying.
The
third tool I use is this Lifting Your Child Through Prayer card. It fits
perfectly in my Bible, where I keep it, and I have one for my husband as
well. I can refer to it for
specific topics, look up the passages myself and pray those scriptures over my
children. You can order them from
Family Life Publishing or Campus Crusade.
Now
that you have some tools to get you started on praying for you children. Let’s
move on the second ACTION we can take to show unconditional love and fill their
Emotional Tank, Eye Contact.
EYE CONTACT
Eye
contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person. We should not use eye contact primarily
to give instructions, reprimanding, disciplining, to show annoyances, or for
criticizing.
Instead
eye contact should be used mainly in a pleasant way, with pleasant words and a
smile. Eye contact should be
continuous, loving, and positive. This sounds easy, almost too simple. But,
what I’ve realized about myself is that if I’m not careful and aware of how I’m
using my eyes, I tend to use them more in a negative way than a pleasant, positive
way.
Some
moms in particular have a bad habit of purposefully withholding eye contact as
a form of discipline. Whether we
do this consciously or not, be careful to not do it. It’s cruel and can be
something your child may never forget but then continue doing in their
relationships with others throughout their lives. A child will remember the feeling of coldness from a mother
who is avoiding making eye contact. I think it’s one of
the ways a parent-child relationship can be broken down, even before
adolescence, which is a time when children need, enjoy and benefit from a close
relationship with their mothers (and fathers too).
Also,
make eye contact when your child is talking to you. Give them that concentrated
attention. This is not easy during the day to day goings on in our lives. But,
be intentional about stopping what you’re doing and taking that 1-2 minutes to
actively listen to what your child is telling or showing you. We’ll talk more about this with our
Focused Attention Action Step in a moment.
Try
to remember to use Eye contact as a continuous love giving route and not merely
as a means of discipline. Take the
opportunity to fill their Emotional Tank with your pleasant eyes!
PHYSICAL CONTACT
The
third action we can take to show love to our children is through physical
contact. This seems to be the most
obvious way to convey love to our children and may have been what first popped
into your head when you heard our topic for this session.
But,
I know in my busy house, some days go by in such a blur that I only touch my
children when necessity demands it, when dressing them, helping them into the car,
etc…
I
challenge you to not let necessity demand it but to be intentional about
physical contact by taking that out of the blue opportunity to touch your
child.
This
is more than hugging and kissing. This is about the simple things like touching
your child on the shoulder as you pass them in the hallway, gently poking them
in their ribs or tousling their hair when you’re next to them. Lay your hand on
their arm when talking or passing by them. Put your arm around their shoulder
or lovingly pat their knee or back. Pull the child toward you when you’re
talking or next to each other. BE INTENTIONAL, do it on purpose, take the
opportunity! Keep this on your
radar throughout the day and DO IT.
Children
never outgrow their need for physical contact., even our boys. It’s easy to
give affection to baby boys and toddlers. Although our boys outgrow that
baby/toddler need of hugging and kissing affection, they do not outgrow their
need for physical contact like playful wrestling, backslapping, playful hitting
or boxing, bear hugs and high fives.
Girls
on the other hand, need MORE affection as they enter adolescence. One problem
in our society is that as a girl grows older, a father feel increasingly
uncomfortable or awkward about giving his daughter the affection she needs,
especially once she’s around 10 or 11, entering that pre-adolescence
stage. But, fathers need to ignore
the discomfort or awkwardness and
give their daughters what they need. When she is getting eye contact and physical contact, she will
be more prone to open her heart to you, as her father or her mother, which in
my house, most often happens at night before bed.
A
rule of thumb I have for myself when any of my children are irritating me or
frustrating me by their behavior
and I want to send them to their room, away from me is when I need reach
out, and pull them into a hug. I don’t feel like doing it. I don’t want to do
it. But, it seems that in those moments of deepest irritation and frustration
is when a hug is needed the most.
This doesn’t mean I overlook their behavior. This means I choose to show
them that I love them unconditionally and take the chance to fill their
Emotional Tank and also diffuse an intense moment.
Be
intentional about praying, giving eye contact AND physical contact daily. Fill
your child’s Emotional Tank!
The
fourth ACTION we can take is through Focused Attention.
FOCUSED ATTENTION
This
takes real sacrifice because it takes TIME and sometimes a lot of it. It may
mean giving up something we would rather do or it might be needed when we least
feel like giving it.
Focused
Attention is giving our child full, undivided attention. So much so, that they
without a doubt feel completely loved. They feel valuable enough to have mommy or daddy all to
themselves. Focused Attention makes our child feel like the most important
person in the world to us.
Because
giving focused attention takes TIME, and we are all so busy, there’s only one
way to make sure it happens and it’s not easy or simple. We do this by determining
our priorities and prioritizing our time.
In
our family, it’s God first, spouse second, and children third. Everything else
in life gets worked in around those main priorities. Whatever I say “yes” to means that I’m saying “no” to
something else. For example, something I would REALLY like to do and I think
would benefit me is that I’d like to come to morning Bible study every week. However, because I homeschool and
that’s a priority for our family, I have to make the difficult choice to say
“yes” to school and being with the kids and “no” to morning Bible study. Or, another example, recently, I was
about to start dinner when a discipline issue came up with one of my children.
I wanted to just send them to their room so I could continue with my plans and
deal with them later. But, I knew
I needed to sit down and talk to them. Taking the time to give Focused
Attention even though it interfered with MY plans. I don’t always make the right choice, but in this case I
did. I put dinner on hold and spent my time where it was needed most, discipleing,
and training my child through focused attention.. Yes, dinner was a little late, babies were fussier because
they were hungry, but I made a big investment in my child’s Emotional Tank that
afternoon. A sacrifice of time well spent.
FOCUSED ATTENTION PLANNED IDEAS
Here
are some ideas that we use or that have been suggested to help find time to be
alone with EACH child. Free from other distractions.
.
Use them directly or tweak them to work for you…
*Set aside a half hour each Sunday
afternoon to spend with one child at a time.
*Each
day one of the big kids is responsible for helping me with making dinner. I’ve
been surprised at how often we end up having great conversation as we work
alongside each other. This could be done with other chores inside and out.
*If
one child is invited to a party, spend time with the other child that didn’t
go. I know when I’m left alone
with only one child I tend to want to do my own thing or get caught up on
chores. But, I need to remember to
stop and show Focused Attention when I can.
*My
husband will take a child with him to run errands on a Saturday morning or to
gas up the car.
*I
will sometimes play a game or read a book with just one of the Big kids before
bed. Many times this is only 10 or fifteen minutes, or however one game of Uno lasts.
*Get
one child up earlier in the morning than the others and cuddle, talk, eat an
early breakfast together, or read.
*We
just started taking our kids on trips alone this year. This doesn’t have to be a big trip,
But, going for a hike, to the mall, for a walk, to the beach, to a playground
for a few hours or overnight is so special.
*Some
parents write it in the calendar as a date or an appointment and then schedule
life around it…that’s really making it a priority. My daughter and I are
planning a night getaway and we’ve had the best time talking about what we’re
going to do together and where to go.
We’re just getting a room in Rota for one night and doing all the things
she enjoys. This is a date I will have on the calendar that nothing will interfere
with.
Hopefully,
this gives you some idea of how to carve out time for each of your children one
on one. After my husband and I
spend these chunks of time with our kids, we notice an immediate difference in
how they respond to our correction and discipline. They are softer towards
us. So, trust me, the sacrifice of
time will pay off as you see positive results!
DISCIPLINE
The
fifth and final ACTION we can take to show love to our children is through
discipline. This is a topic all in
itself, so I’m going to be brief. In a nutshell, discipline is NOT only
punishment. Discipline is about training, discipleing, correcting and
protecting our children. There are MANY books about this topic and many
theories on how it should be done.
The
only point I want to make about discipline is to consider it in relation to
unconditional love. Discipline is
much easier when the child feels genuinely loved and accepted. Then, our
children are able to accept parental guidance without hostility, anger, and
resentment. However, the less full
our child’s emotional tank, the less the child will positively respond to
discipline.
On
your resource list, you’ll find books about discipline that I have found
helpful and doable for our family.
I encourage you to read them and find out how to best and lovingly use
discipline to point your child toward God.
Also,
if you notice families with well behaved, well adjusted children, ask the
parents what they do and how they do it.
Over the years I have received MUCH parenting advice and information
from watching other mothers and asking direct questions about how and why they
do what they to get the results I see in their children and families. Good parenting does not just happen.
Well behaved, godly kids don’t just evolve from parents walking passively
through life. They happen because a parent is intentional about loving
unconditionally through prayer, eye contact, physical contact, focused
attention, and discipline.
Practical Ways
to Show Love to Your Children
Resource List
The Bible
“Love
is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never
haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not
irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when
others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever
truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what
the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and
always stand your ground in defending him” (I Cor. 13:4-7, TLB).
“Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does boast, it is not proud. It
is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (I Cor. 13:4-7, NIV).
LOVE:
How To Really Love Your
Child by D. Ross Campbell
Unconditional Love
Eye
Contact
Physical
Contact
Focused
Attention
Discipline
(training a child in MIND and CHARACTER)
Shepherding A Child’s Heart
by Tedd Tripp
The
Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell
PRAYER:
The Busy Mom’s Guide to
Prayer by Lisa Whelchel
The Power of a Praying
Parent by Stormie Omartian
DISCIPLINE:
Heartfelt Discipline, The
Gentle Art of TRAINING and GUIDING your Child
by Clay Clarkson
Childwise, Parenting Your
3-7 Year Old by Gary Ezzo (He has an entire series of books for every age your
child goes through until adulthood.)
Creative Correction by Lisa
Whelchel
Boundaries with Kids by
Henry Cloud & John Townsend
MOTHERHOOD:
Ministry Of Motherhood by
Sally Clarkson
