Lisa

I want to tell you about a woman who influenced me. 

My relationship with Lisa began when I was fifteen and she was in her mid-30's (same age that I am now) mothering her four children. She needed a babysitter and I was available. 

Over the course of the following six years she had three more beautiful children. 

Lisa allowed me into her home and life and without her trying, she allowed God to use her to prepare me for my own adult life as homeschool mommy to my own four children.

During those years, I graduated from high school, moved away, went to college and then bumped into her again about six months before my wedding.  She came into the bank I was working at and our relationship was rekindled. She asked if I was available to babysit and I jumped at the chance to spend time with her and her family. Once I was married and off to see the world, I lost contact with Lisa. 

Fast forward about seven years, I'm living in WA State, have two little ones of my own and I keep sensing that God wants me to get back in contact with Lisa on my next visit home to San Anonio, Texas, where she still lives.  

Three years of "nudges" from The Lord to seek her out and meet with her and each time I went home, I kept thinking to myself, "Next time. Next time I"ll make time to go visit her."  

I wanted to visit with her. I just knew she had so much wisdom to pour into me and I wanted to thank her personally for being a godly influence in my life all those years ago.  

Finally, during my 2 month stay in Texas before I  moved to Spain, I got online (I'd done this already, several times in the past and written her contact information down) to get in contact with her.  I was so excited. I was now a homeschooling mommy to four kids and felt like I had so much in common with her. I had even named my last baby after one of hers, Annalise. I even spelled and pronounced it the same way because I had always thought it was so beautiful. 

 I wanted to know EVERYTHING I could from her lips about life, mothering, kids, everything. I wanted to spend a few hours soaking up her insight and thoughts and pray with her.  

I excitedly  scoured the google list of names that matched hers and all I could find was an obituary for someone with her same name.  I kept bypassing it, thinking that wasn't her. But, finally, I clicked on it, confirming that this was indeed my Lisa.  My influence. My missed opportunity.  My Lisa died of a brain tumor, leaving her husband and seven children behind on this earth.

My tears flowed. Those three years that kept getting nudged by the Holy Spirit to contact Lisa were the very same three years that she had been battling a brain tumor. My wedding day, June 5, 1999 was the last time I would ever see Lisa. The book, Runaway Bunny, that she sent when Abigail was born in 2002 was the last time I heard from her.

 

I have this picture of Lisa in her front yard, talking to me and my parents with her ever present smile and encouraging words. One baby on her hip and another older one with their arms wrapped around her waist.  She was content in her role as mother. 

I spent countless hours with Lisa and her children.  Most of the time, I was just there to help in the house. She rarely left me alone with the kids, except when her husband had work events or when they had date night with one child each  month.  Otherwise, Lisa was home too, available to her children.  

I watched her bring baby number five into the family and without me knowing there was a name for it, she did the "Sleep, Eat, Awake" routine that I've used with my children.  She didn't sit down and explain with words all the reasons why she parented and disciplined the way she did. She just lived her life and I watched.  And, I was influenced.  And, God was preparing me for the plan He had for my life.

I've learned that I should not ignore those gentle "nudges" to write a note or make a phone call or send an email.  I am still really bad at this.  A person will pop into my  mind and I tell myself that I'll get to it later and I never do.  But, sometimes, I get it right and sit down and call or write whoever God has placed on my heart. 

Why can't I just obey Him EVERY time and not miss opportunities like I did with Lisa?  Divine appointments I let pass me by.

I'm writing this because for some reason, Lisa and her family were heavy on my heart during praise and worship time in church today and throughout the day.  I prayed for each of them.  I said I'd write her husband and let him know how much Lisa meant to me and how much she taught me with her living her life in front of me.  Recalling some memories I have of her and the children. But, I haven't. And, that was two years ago.

I am also reminded of God's great love and care for me to have placed Lisa in my life at the age of fifteen  in preparation for my life as a homeschooling mommy.  

Lisa, I miss you and I regret not following through on my nudge from the Holy Spirit to contact you sooner. What did I miss? I won't know this side of Heaven. But, I know my life is not the only one you touched during your 49 years on this earth.  Our friend who attended your Memorial Service said there were people crowded in all over the room. People whose lives you had touched or influenced, just like mine. And, as you watched from Heaven, I picture you giving all the credit, all the glory, all the honor, to Jesus Christ.

To Lisa's children, you already know how godly, inspirational and loving your mom is.  My prayer for each of you is that you lean into Him as you grieve and imitate her life until you see her again.  I cannot imagine, nor are there words to say to comfort you for the loss of your mother.  

Dedicated to Lisa Ann Lyles

My Take on Friendship

Friendship

Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I have been married to my Air Force husband for nearly 14 years.  We have 4 children ages, 11, 8, 3, and 2.  I have the luxury and gift of being a stay at home, home schooling mom.  We will be moving to Ramstein, Germany in May and this will be our 8^th duty station.  

I am sharing from personal experience and from a few books that I’ve been reading on this topic. You’ll find those titles and authors below. I also asked my longtime friends near and far to share their friendship advice, which I've included as well.

First, I’d like to start with a little bit of my personal friendship history.

I was three years old when my parents joined a small church where I became friends with Anna who was a year older than me.  That was 32 years ago. Anna and I are still Best Friends.  We grew up together. As a matter of fact she just spent a week with me and my children during my visit stateside a few weeks ago.  We hadn’t seen each other in a year and a half. And, because we have a seven hour time difference, our phone calls have been few and far between. Yet, even though I have moved around the United States and now the world, ever since my Junior year of high school, we have remained close.  

Fast forward to when I was 27 years old and had just relocated to Tacoma, WA.  Not only was I brand new to the area, but I had just had my second baby in July and was feeling very isolated. I needed friends.   So, I went to a MOPS group meeting in September.  I remember our coordinator gave a welcome speech and she said, “Don’t be surprised if you find out that you’re sitting right next to your new Best Friend.”  I thought to myself, “Best friend?  I’m just looking for a friend!”.  Little did I know that through MOPS meetings, Mom’s Nights Out and serving in the MOPS ministry, I would indeed make and keep TWO best friends, Shannon and Tara. Just like with Anna, my childhood best friend, we have also kept up our relationships over the years and through my moves. Shannon is one of those 2 women and she’s here tonight, all the way from Washington State.

How did we get so close and stay so close? That’s what I’d like to share with you now.

First, I want to tell you that I am a Christ follower. This means that I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins so that I can be in relationship with Him on a personal level.  And, I will spend eternity in Heaven.

I believe that ultimately, God is the one who brings friends into my life, at just the right time, and for a specific purpose. 

I think of my life, my entire life, the years past, what’s happening now and my future as a giant puzzle.  I can only see one piece at a time. I don’t always know what God is doing in my life and I don’t always understand what I’m going through or why I’m going through it. I don’t always see how the pieces fit together.

But, I choose to trust that God knows.

My favorite verse in the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11 and it reads, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope”. 

Because I believe that God has a plan for my life, as this verse tells me, each acquaintance, each woman I meet in the different social circles I’m part of, each friend that I end up building a deep and lasting friendship with is part of God’s plan for my life.  Each person is a beautiful piece to my life puzzle.

Over my lifetime,

I HAVE LEARNED Four IMPORTANT THINGS about how to make and keep friendships.

First Lesson: I can’t be Besties with EVERY single person I meet.

I think that there are different levels of friendship. I like to think of these levels as rings around me. My closest ring of friends is a Close/Intimate group.  These women are allowed into my life and heart to a degree that they can significantly influence me. They share the same faith and are sounding boards for each other through life. We pray for each other. These are the women who I go to for advice and godly, biblical insight concerning anything with my life. These women are living life alongside of me.  Because I’m a military wife, these women may be with me in person or they might be across the globe.  I like to call them my “Heart Friends”. I can share my heart thoughts and secrets and know that I’m completely accepted and loved and known.  And, they still want to be my friend. This is my smallest ring of friends.

Author McGinnis says, “The fact of the matter is that one cannot have a profound connection with more than a few people.  Time prohibits it. Deep friendship requires cultivation over the years and lots of time for talk.”

He also says that the reason there is a shortage of close relationships is because we do not devote ourselves to it enough.  We think close intimate friendships will “just happen”. But, of course, few valuable things in life ever “just happen”.

If we want deep, intimate, close friendships, we need to make it a priority in our lives. This requires setting aside time to spend with a person or persons. 

As a mom with young ones at home, this can be difficult to do.  However, my some of my most fulfilling relationships began when I was in that season of life mothering little ones.  Yet, it can be difficult to make the time for it in between feedings, naps and making dinner.   

For me, when I find a friend that I want to know more, get to know at a deeper level, I find and carve out the time to spend with her.  I make it a priority. No matter what season of life I am in.

Then the next ring consist of good friends, who although I might not share every detail of my life, they don’t have as great of an influence on me as my first ring of friends does.  But they are still an important part of my life. We spend time together, we may even share big moments like births in our families or do a Bible study together, share prayer requests with each other.  We have great conversations, meet up periodically for playdates or to talk, I might share some details about my life but usually what pertains to our conversations. But, we don’t keep up with each other’s day to day lives on a regular basis.

And, then the outmost group consists of my acquaintances. This is probably your FB friend list. These are women I see here and there or FB periodically, but our lives don’t intersect on a regular basis. I’m not doing life alongside them. Even still, I enjoy spending time with them at functions or I enjoy a conversation with them about general topics.

Over the years, God has brought friends into my life and placed them in different rings.  Usually, a person starts in the third ring, as an acquaintance and over time, many conversations, time spent together, she may end up being in my closest ring. I don’t plan for that to happen, but God does. I have met amazing women that I wanted to be close to, admired, tried to become more than acquaintances, but that never happened.  I trust that God knows who I need at which level of friendship and at which season of life.

Second Lesson:  Take off your mask!

We need to understand that in order to have someone reveal their hearts to us, we much be willing to reveal ourselves to them.

In John Ortberg’s book, Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them, he talks about different masks we tend to hide behind.

He says that some people hide behind superficial conversation. They make lots of small talk but their words are a shield. They are hiding their hearts.

Some people hide behind humor. They have a great gift for making you laugh. But, you notice over time that whenever the conversation gets tense or sad or begins to get personal, they find some way to make a joke. They hide behind a smiling face.

Some people hide behind a mysterious silence or shyness or brazen self-assurance.

Some people use their intelligence as a mask. Others use ignorance.. Some mask themselves in busyness, their work, their competence and success.

Some people have high tech masks with  remote controls or touch screens.

In the church, some people mask themselves in spirituality. They quote Bible verses or speak of having “deep peace” or that “God is in control”.

But, really, we are not drawn to those types of people as Heart Friends.

We are drawn to people who take off their mask and reveal themselves to us.  

So, if I want someone to be drawn to me, I must remove my mask!

Let’s face it, the truth is that we all have a few deep secrets. 

Everyone carries hurts, wounds. We all have stuggles in life.  And, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d love to have someone to share that with. 

How do we know when it’s safe to reveal our hearts to someone?

I love this quote by a 12^th century author, “We owe love to all people, but only to a proven friend are we to entrust the secrets of the heart.”

FIRST,  you must spend time with that person in order to find out if they possess the qualities of a trustworthy, close ring, friend. 

SECOND, it takes many conversations.  How else will you find out if someone is not only fun to be around or someone you click with but also someone worthy of revealing your heart to as well.

THIRD, once I’ve done those two things, time together and talking,  I usually entrust them with a small piece of personal information about my childhood, a parenting issue, something relevant to what we’re talking about.  And, I see what her reaction is.  Is she accepting and loving in spite of the heavy or ugly thing I just shared?  Does she keep it private without me having to ask her to keep it private?  Does she judge me or listen and encourage? Does she rattle off advice that I did not ask for or show empathy for what I’ve shared?

Next, does she reveal something about herself? Many times people are stuck behind their mask. It has happened to me where I’m enjoying a particular friend, we have fun, I get to the point where I want to reveal something to her and I do. But, then that level of intimacy is not reciprocated.  And, that’s my sign to not drop her friendship but to know she may not either want that level of friendship or she may not know what it means to take off her mask and reveal her heart. And, that’s okay.

To quote McGinnis, “Some of us go to great lengths to hide our humble origins when honesty about them would disarm those around us and pull them into a more intimate connection.”  Some people are just too scared to take off their mask.

When this happens, I choose to just love that person where she is at and not take it personally.  Her resistance to removing her mask and revealing herself probably has nothing to do with me but her own insecurities or her past friendship hurts or something is going on in her personal life. 

Sometimes, a deep friendship grows eventually. Either way, I just have to accept whatever level of friendship she’s willing to share with me.

I am not saying that our emotional life should be an open book everywhere we go. Most people shy away from someone who tells their entire life stories with intimate details in the first hour you meet them.

Each of us have the right to silence and must decide how much of ourselves to reveal at any given time.

Removing your mask is a risk. Be careful. But, I encourage you to take the plunge and do it when you feel it’s safe. Don’t miss the opportunity of having a Heart Friend.

Third Lesson: Building friendships, builds my character.  

Here are some character traits that I try to demonstrate to all my rings of friends,

and, ones I should be looking for when deciding to take off my mask or not.

A friend is loyal, honest, gives advice only when asked for it, listens, forgives, loves and shows kindness. She keeps confidences. This means we keep our mouths closed. Friends are sensitive to each other. In a nutshell, treat others how you want to be treated as a friend.

Three  Main Character Traits

Serving, Accepting, and Extending Grace

When I make these three character traits a priority in all my rings of friendship, the other character traits I mentioned before are easier for me to demonstrate.  Let me explain.

SERVING

Marian Jordan, author of The Girlfriends Guidebook says that, “a real friendship, as God defines one, is a relationship where each party seeks the best for the other and places the other’s needs before her own.” She says that, “a friend is the girl who is there for you, expecting nothing for her self in return. A friend is there on moving day. A friend helps wash the dishes long after the dinner party is over and the guests have all cleared out. A friend senses a full blown mommy meltdown and takes the kids for the afternoon. A friend sits in the doctor’s office to hold your hand and hear the report. True friends SERVE each other.”

If your motive for serving your friend is because you hope to be repaid in some way, then you have the wrong motive.  True friends don’t keep score with who did what for whom and who still owes whom a favor.  Friends don’t take advantage of each other, but they don’t keep a tab either.

Serving our friends means we are in the friendship for what we can GIVE not what we can GET out of it.

Accepting

 John Ortberg describes this best. He says, “To accept people is to be FOR them. It is to recognize that it is a very good thing that these people are alive and to long for the best for them. It does not, of course, mean to approve of everything they do. It means to continue to want what is best for their souls no matter WHAT they do.” To be FOR them and to want what is best FOR them.

When I truly accept someone, I see the darkness of secrets, their past, their present, their imperfections and I choose to love them anyways. I don’t just tolerate them. Tolerating them means I’m just putting up with their existence. Acceptance is more than that. It’s truly believing that it is a very good thing that person is alive.  I accept them, “as is”.

I accept them for who they are right now, not who I want them to be not as someone who will meet my expectations.  As is!

Extending Grace 

This is an area I think I have had the hardest time growing in. My personality is such that my innate self, my “natural bent”, is that I take things personally. This is an area of my life that I have been actively working on for about 8 years.  

Because I tend to take things personally I have made the mistake of not extending grace when I had the opportunity.

Extending grace is essential to healthy friendships.  Extending grace means that I make allowances for actions done to me or words said that could hurt my feelings or make me feel left out or make me feel unimportant to that person. 

Here is an example. Maybe this will help you understand what I’m talking about. 

My best friend doesn’t call me on my birthday.  8 years ago, this would have hurt my feelings. I would have felt unimportant to her and possibly even questioned if we were really best friends.  And, most likely when she did call, I would be short or snappy, never mentioning that she had hurt my feelings. But hoping she got the point.  I call this sort of friend a high maintainance friend. And, that’s what I was. I was not extending grace. I was not making allowances for her and was wanting her to meet MY expectations.

Since I’ve realized this about myself, I now know how to extend grace.  Yes, maybe my friend should have remembered to call on my birthday. But, maybe she had a bad day. Maybe, her baby is sick or she’s fighting with her husband. Maybe, she was just too busy and didn’t get around to it. My feeling of being important to her is not based on whether or not my friend remembers to call me on my birthday. It’s based on our friendship, all the things we’ve shared with each other, the times we were there for each other.

And, guess what else I learned.  I am not perfect. I have been the one to forget to call or send a card on time. I have been the one who needed grace extended to me. And, thankfully, I have friends who have.  They understood. They didn’t judge me because I didn’t call. They didn’t get hurt feelings. They thought the best of me and knew that if I could have called, I would have. And, if it did hurt their feelings, they brought it to my attention instead of being short or snappy with me. 

In my experience, extending grace takes practice.  But, it builds character in yourself and lasting friendships with others.  Don’t be a high maintaince friend, extend grace. 

I encourage you to SERVE, ACCEPT, and Extend Grace to all your friends. Demonstrating these character traits builds relationships in every ring of friendships and may also create a safe place for a Heart Friendship to develop as well.

FOURTH LESSON:

I won’t make Heart Friends at every duty station I live.  And, that’s okay.

Throughout my talk tonight, I have referred to my rings of friends.  When I mentioned my first ring of friends, my Heart Friends, one person that came to your mind may have been your husband.  I couldn’t go further in my talk without encouraging you to build your relationship with your husband. He needs to be your Heart Friend.  Everything I’ve talked about tonight is useful for marriages as well.

I want to end with another personal story of when I desired badly to have Heart Friends but God just wasn’t placing that puzzle piece into my life. 

We were stationed in Tacoma, Washington and our time there was difficult on our marriage and family because my husband was gone all the time for work. I needed a support group and friends. And, God met that need through my church family.  God grew me in leadership and gave me a heart for women’s ministry.  I had so many friends and so much support  and was involved heavily with the church that I assumed when we moved to Alabama, God was going to use me in the same way. 

Six months after we moved to Alabama, that was not the case and I was mad at God.  I verbally asked Him why He had brought me to AL. I had no friends, no ministry involvement, nowhere to belong, no church family and was lonely. I missed what I had in Washington.  

As I poured out my complaints to God and told Him all the things I did NOT have, I felt God telling me through gentle nudges inside, “Elizabeth, what do you HAVE right now?  Your husband is home every night and will be for 3 years. Work on your relationship with him. You have a neighbor who home schools the same age children you do. Do you think I placed you in this house on accident? And, you are carrying a healthy baby you’ve been longing for for 5 years after multiple miscarriages. You want to be involved with ministry? You are. Your ministry focus is your family. I’m bringing you home, Elizabeth.”

So, if you find yourself not developing friendships, not belonging anywhere, not being used by God, then maybe God wants to bring your focus home too.  Don’t resent that puzzle piece. Embrace it.

My hope for each of you tonight is that you embrace EVERY puzzle piece. Make friends, remove your masks, build character. And,  along the way, collect Hearts Friends.

Resource List:

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by McGinnis, Alan Loy

The Girlfriends Guidebook: Navigating Female Friendships by Jordan, Marian

Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them by John Ortberg

Homeschooling: Our Sixth Year 2012-2013

Big Kids (ages 10 & 8)

Preschoolers (ages 3 & an almost 2 year old who joins us when she wants to)

Big Kids:

Heart of Dakota Preparing Hearts for His Glory (www.heartofdakota.com)

Math U See (Delta & Gamma Levels) (www.mathusee.com)

Rod and Staff English (Level 3 & 4) (www.rodstaff.com)

Ignite Your Writing (for my 5th grader only)

Preschoolers:

Heart of Dakota Little Hands To Heaven (www.heartofdakota.com)

Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons

 (http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Your-Child-Read-Lessons/dp/0671631985)

Handwriting Without Tears - Kinder (www.hwtears.com)

Also teaching them the calendar (days, months, seasons, weather), pledge to the American & Christian flags and the Bible, Star Spangled Banner, counting by 10's, scripture memory, books of the Bible

A Note From Elizabeth

This is my sixth year of homeschooling my children. Thankfully, I got to start with one child at a time and over the years have realized that we learn best using the Charlotte Mason theories and style of learning/teaching.  You can read more about "The Gentle Art of Learning" in Karen Andreola's book, "Charlotte Mason Companion", which includes her ideas about living books, narration, appreciating great art, classical music & poetry, notebooking, habit forming, & hero admiration. 

I will be forever grateful that God brought Heart of Dakota (HOD) curriculum into my life. I was ready to throw in the towel after my 4th child was born and prayed for help. Through prayer, a new friend who let me get my hands on her HOD curriculum and studying more about Charlotte Mason, I realized that I could keep on homeschooling and still keep my sanity. HOD is a true "open and go" type of curriculum that we all love.

Practical Ways to Show Love to Your Children

What are the first things that come to your mind when you think about the question, “How can I SHOW love to my children?”.  Many moms quickly tell me, “hugging, kissing, holding,  telling them we love them, making sure you’re showing love in their “language”.” These are all correct answers. But, I encourage you to take it a step further and think about how you can show unconditional love to your children every day, INTENTIONALLY.  Read on :)

Most of what I’m sharing in this post is from Ross Campbell’s book, “How To Really Love Your Child.” ( He also has a book titled, “How To Really Love Your Teen”.)

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

First, let’s go straight to the LOVE CHAPTER of the Bible, I Corinthians 13 and read verses 4-7. I am reading from The Living Bible translation but you’ll find the NIV translation on the resource list located at the end of this post as well.

“Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him” (I Cor. 13:4-7, TLB).

This verse describes the solid foundation of all love relationships, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  In regards to our children, Unconditional love says that we love our children no matter what they do, say, or look like and NO matter what we expect them to be or how we expect them to act. This does not mean we always like our child’s behavior but that we love the child even when at times we detest their behavior.

Showing Unconditional love helps our children to not experience feelings of resentment, or being unloved,. Feeling guilty, fearful, or insecure.

EMOTIONAL TANK

According to Ross Campbell, every child has an Emotional Tank. When a child’s emotional needs are met it determines their feelings like whether a child is content or angry, depressed or joyful.

It also affects behavior: whether a child is obedient or disobedient, whiny or perky, playful or withdrawn.

The fuller their emotional tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behavior.

And, only if this emotional tank is full can a child be expected to feel and act at his or her best or do his or her best, be happy, reach their potential, and respond appropriately to discipline.

How do we know our child’s Emotional Tank level?

Well, their behavior indicates the status of their tank.

When I notice a day or several days when one of my children is extra whiny or clingy or disobedient, I take a step back from the situation and evaluate how much I’ve invested in their Emotional Tank.  If Daddy hasn’t been home or when he has been home but hasn’t had the opportunity to fill their tanks, I notice a decline in behavior. When, I’ve been with them all day but didn’t take the time to make Emotional Tank deposits, I’ll see a direct correlation to their behavior which will be negative.

And, guess who is responsible to keep that emotional tank full? You guessed it. It’s ours, the parent’s job.

Sounds like a HUGE responsibility, doesn’t it?  Well, we aren’t expected to go at it alone. God tells us in Philippians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”  God can and wants to help you meet the emotional needs of your children. He wants to help you show unconditional love and fill their emotional tank every day.

Every child wants to know from their parents, “Do you love me?” A child asks this question mostly through their behavior and rarely through verbal communication. Because a child asks this question with behavior, we usually give this answer by our behavior, by WHAT we do, our ACTIONS.

I will share with you what ACTIONS we can take to show unconditional love to our children and keep their emotional tanks full. 

I John 3:18 says it best, “…let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth.”

The five ACTIONS we can do to show love are through Prayer, Eye Contact, Physical Contact,  Focused Attention and Discipline.

PRAYER

First, through prayer. I know I don’t do this enough.  But, we need to pray for our children every chance we get and for ourselves to have wisdom and discernment as their parent.

God tells us in James  3:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

How do we ask for wisdom? Through prayer.  You might be wondering, “Where do I find the time?” and “What exactly should I be praying for?”

Well, I have three tools that I use on a regular basis.  Maybe they can be a springboard for your prayer life as they have been for mine.

First, The Busy Mom’s Guide to Prayer by Lisa Whelchel. She includes Scripture based prayers for yourself, your husband, your children, your government and church leaders.

Another tool I use is Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of A Praying Parent. Whatever I am dealing with concerning one or more of the kids, I look for that topic in the index. Each chapter has a short personal story from her life and a Scripture based prayer that you plug your child’s name into, along with a handful of verses you can memorize or jot down to keep as a quick reminder through the day of what to be praying.  

The third tool I use is this Lifting Your Child Through Prayer card. It fits perfectly in my Bible, where I keep it, and I have one for my husband as well.  I can refer to it for specific topics, look up the passages myself and pray those scriptures over my children.  You can order them from Family Life Publishing or Campus Crusade.

Now that you have some tools to get you started on praying for you children. Let’s move on the second ACTION we can take to show unconditional love and fill their Emotional Tank, Eye Contact.

EYE CONTACT

Eye contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person.  We should not use eye contact primarily to give instructions, reprimanding, disciplining, to show annoyances, or for criticizing.

Instead eye contact should be used mainly in a pleasant way, with pleasant words and a smile.  Eye contact should be continuous, loving, and positive. This sounds easy, almost too simple. But, what I’ve realized about myself is that if I’m not careful and aware of how I’m using my eyes, I tend to use them more in a negative way than a pleasant, positive way. 

Some moms in particular have a bad habit of purposefully withholding eye contact as a form of discipline.  Whether we do this consciously or not, be careful to not do it. It’s cruel and can be something your child may never forget but then continue doing in their relationships with others throughout their lives.  A child will remember the feeling of coldness from a mother who is  avoiding  making eye contact. I think it’s one of the ways a parent-child relationship can be broken down, even before adolescence, which is a time when children need, enjoy and benefit from a close relationship with their mothers (and fathers too).

Also, make eye contact when your child is talking to you. Give them that concentrated attention. This is not easy during the day to day goings on in our lives. But, be intentional about stopping what you’re doing and taking that 1-2 minutes to actively listen to what your child is telling or showing you.  We’ll talk more about this with our Focused Attention Action Step in a moment.

Try to remember to use Eye contact as a continuous love giving route and not merely as a means of discipline.  Take the opportunity to fill their Emotional Tank with your pleasant eyes!

PHYSICAL CONTACT

The third action we can take to show love to our children is through physical contact.  This seems to be the most obvious way to convey love to our children and may have been what first popped into your head when you heard our topic for this session.

But, I know in my busy house, some days go by in such a blur that I only touch my children when necessity demands it, when dressing them, helping them into the car, etc… 

I challenge you to not let necessity demand it but to be intentional about physical contact by taking that out of the blue opportunity to touch your child.

This is more than hugging and kissing. This is about the simple things like touching your child on the shoulder as you pass them in the hallway, gently poking them in their ribs or tousling their hair when you’re next to them. Lay your hand on their arm when talking or passing by them. Put your arm around their shoulder or lovingly pat their knee or back. Pull the child toward you when you’re talking or next to each other. BE INTENTIONAL, do it on purpose, take the opportunity!  Keep this on your radar throughout the day and DO IT.

Children never outgrow their need for physical contact., even our boys. It’s easy to give affection to baby boys and toddlers. Although our boys outgrow that baby/toddler need of hugging and kissing affection, they do not outgrow their need for physical contact like playful wrestling, backslapping, playful hitting or boxing, bear hugs and high fives.   

Girls on the other hand, need MORE affection as they enter adolescence. One problem in our society is that as a girl grows older, a father feel increasingly uncomfortable or awkward about giving his daughter the affection she needs, especially once she’s around 10 or 11, entering that pre-adolescence stage.  But, fathers need to ignore the discomfort or awkwardness  and give their daughters what they need.  When she is getting eye contact and physical contact, she will be more prone to open her heart to you, as her father or her mother, which in my house, most often happens at night before bed.

A rule of thumb I have for myself when any of my children are irritating me or frustrating me by their behavior  and I want to send them to their room, away from me is when I need reach out, and pull them into a hug. I don’t feel like doing it. I don’t want to do it. But, it seems that in those moments of deepest irritation and frustration is when a hug is needed the most.  This doesn’t mean I overlook their behavior. This means I choose to show them that I love them unconditionally and take the chance to fill their Emotional Tank and also diffuse an intense moment.

Be intentional about praying, giving eye contact AND physical contact daily. Fill your child’s Emotional Tank!

The fourth ACTION we can take is through Focused Attention.

FOCUSED ATTENTION

This takes real sacrifice because it takes TIME and sometimes a lot of it. It may mean giving up something we would rather do or it might be needed when we least feel like giving it.

Focused Attention is giving our child full, undivided attention. So much so, that they without a doubt feel completely loved.  They feel valuable enough to have mommy or daddy all to themselves. Focused Attention makes our child feel like the most important person in the world to us. 

Because giving focused attention takes TIME, and we are all so busy, there’s only one way to make sure it happens and it’s not easy or simple. We do this by determining our priorities and prioritizing our time.

In our family, it’s God first, spouse second, and children third. Everything else in life gets worked in around those main priorities.  Whatever I say “yes” to means that I’m saying “no” to something else. For example, something I would REALLY like to do and I think would benefit me is that I’d like to come to morning Bible study every week.  However, because I homeschool and that’s a priority for our family, I have to make the difficult choice to say “yes” to school and being with the kids and “no” to morning Bible study.  Or, another example, recently, I was about to start dinner when a discipline issue came up with one of my children. I wanted to just send them to their room so I could continue with my plans and deal with them later. But,  I knew I needed to sit down and talk to them. Taking the time to give Focused Attention even though it interfered with MY plans.  I don’t always make the right choice, but in this case I did. I put dinner on hold and spent my time where it was needed most, discipleing, and training my child through focused attention..  Yes, dinner was a little late, babies were fussier because they were hungry, but I made a big investment in my child’s Emotional Tank that afternoon. A sacrifice of time well spent.

 

FOCUSED ATTENTION PLANNED IDEAS

Here are some ideas that we use or that have been suggested to help find time to be alone with EACH child. Free from other distractions.

. Use them directly or tweak them to work for you…

 *Set aside a half hour each Sunday afternoon to spend with one child at a time.

*Each day one of the big kids is responsible for helping me with making dinner. I’ve been surprised at how often we end up having great conversation as we work alongside each other. This could be done with other chores inside and out.

*If one child is invited to a party, spend time with the other child that didn’t go.  I know when I’m left alone with only one child I tend to want to do my own thing or get caught up on chores.  But, I need to remember to stop and show Focused Attention when I can.

*My husband will take a child with him to run errands on a Saturday morning or to gas up the car.

*I will sometimes play a game or read a book with just one of the Big kids before bed. Many times this is only 10 or fifteen minutes, or however one game of Uno lasts.

*Get one child up earlier in the morning than the others and cuddle, talk, eat an early breakfast together,  or read.

*We just started taking our kids on trips alone this year.  This doesn’t have to be a big trip, But, going for a hike, to the mall, for a walk, to the beach, to a playground for a few hours or overnight is so special.

*Some parents write it in the calendar as a date or an appointment and then schedule life around it…that’s really making it a priority. My daughter and I are planning a night getaway and we’ve had the best time talking about what we’re going to do together and where to go.  We’re just getting a room in Rota for one night and doing all the things she enjoys. This is a date I will have on the calendar that nothing will interfere with.

Hopefully, this gives you some idea of how to carve out time for each of your children one on one.  After my husband and I spend these chunks of time with our kids, we notice an immediate difference in how they respond to our correction and discipline. They are softer towards us.  So, trust me, the sacrifice of time will pay off as you see positive results!

DISCIPLINE

The fifth and final ACTION we can take to show love to our children is through discipline.  This is a topic all in itself, so I’m going to be brief. In a nutshell, discipline is NOT only punishment. Discipline is about training, discipleing, correcting and protecting our children. There are MANY books about this topic and many theories on how it should be done. 

The only point I want to make about discipline is to consider it in relation to unconditional love.  Discipline is much easier when the child feels genuinely loved and accepted. Then, our children are able to accept parental guidance without hostility, anger, and resentment.  However, the less full our child’s emotional tank, the less the child will positively respond to discipline.

On your resource list, you’ll find books about discipline that I have found helpful and doable for our family.  I encourage you to read them and find out how to best and lovingly use discipline to point your child toward God. 

Also, if you notice families with well behaved, well adjusted children, ask the parents what they do and how they do it.  Over the years I have received MUCH parenting advice and information from watching other mothers and asking direct questions about how and why they do what they to get the results I see in their children and families.  Good parenting does not just happen. Well behaved, godly kids don’t just evolve from parents walking passively through life. They happen because a parent is intentional about loving unconditionally through prayer, eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, and discipline.

Practical Ways to Show Love to Your Children

Resource List

The Bible

“Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him” (I Cor. 13:4-7, TLB).

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,  always perseveres” (I Cor. 13:4-7, NIV).

LOVE:

How To Really Love Your Child by D. Ross Campbell

                  Unconditional Love

                  Eye Contact

                  Physical Contact

                  Focused Attention

                  Discipline (training a child in MIND and CHARACTER)

Shepherding A Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

PRAYER:

The Busy Mom’s Guide to Prayer by Lisa Whelchel

The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian

DISCIPLINE:

Heartfelt Discipline, The Gentle Art of TRAINING and GUIDING your Child

by Clay Clarkson

Childwise, Parenting Your 3-7 Year Old by Gary Ezzo (He has an entire series of books for every age your child goes through until adulthood.)

Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel

Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud & John Townsend

MOTHERHOOD:

Ministry Of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Miscarriage, Mercy, and Rescue

Every time I find out that one of my friends or friend of a friend has miscarried, my heart breaks. Here's my story.  I shared this with our Rota, Spain MOPS group in April 2012 and am copying it straight from my notes to this blog post.

My name is Elizabeth and I am living my dream. I get to mother my children full time and as many of you know, I have 4 of them. Abigail, Adam, Ada, and Annalise ages 10, 7, 2, & 1. What you may not know is that I have actually been pregnant 7 times and have experienced three miscarriages.  In order, they go, miscarriage, Abigail, Adam, two more miscarriages, then nearly 5 years later, Ada and Annalise. 

Although each miscarriage was difficult, I grieved most for this last one because I was just over 10 weeks along when I found out I had miscarried. I had been sick for about 4 weeks with my usual all day, around the clock, morning sickness. Although my nausea had stopped ten days before this appointment, I was sure everything was okay. I couldn’t wait to see and hear the baby’s heartbeat. 

When I went in for my first appointment at 10 weeks they did a routine ultrasound. Matt, Abigail, and Adam and I were in the room with the tech, excited to see our new little one on the screen.  Although I did see my baby and the yolk sac, I did not see the heartbeat. The tech kept moving the probe inside of me and looked concerned.  She didn’t make eye contact with me, her eyes were fixed on the screen. Then, she quietly muttered, “There’s no heartbeat. This isn’t a VIABLE pregnancy.” 

After talking with my midwife, we figured out that according to the measurements, and the day my nausea stopped was probably the day my baby died, around 8.5 weeks.  And, since my husband was miraculously home this particular week, we should go ahead with a D&C. 

I sat in the room with my midwife and cried. She reassured me that I could still get pregnant again. There was no medical explanation for one miscarriage, or two, or three. I had carried two other babies to term so my body could do it again.  While her words were comforting to an extent, they didn’t take away the great loss I was feeling. This precious little baby was already deeply loved by me. She already had a place in our family. I knew where I was going to put her carseat in the van, which room would be hers, and, of course, I had an estimate of when her birthday would be, which would have been days away from Abigail’s.

This happened on a Monday.  They couldn’t get me in for surgery until Thursday.  I was devastated.  I had already been carrying around my miscarried baby for 10 days, now another 3.  I laid in bed those days, crying, praying, so sad.  But, looking back, I’m grateful for that time to mourn, to tell God how unfair I thought He was being, to ask Him how many more miscarriages He had planned for me.  I wasn’t even sure that I ever wanted to try to get pregnant again. This emotional roller coaster was too much.

That Thursday morning we went to the hospital. I insisted on having one more ultrasound just to verify that there was no life, which there wasn’t., and proceeded with the surgery.  I went home empty handed and broken hearted.

Webster’s dictionary defines Mercy as kind and compassionate treatment.  As I recovered and continued life in the following weeks, I also began to see God’s mercy shown to me during that time in so many ways. 

First, my husband flies C-17’s and during our 4 years in Washington State, where this miscarriage happened, he was TDY 2-3 weeks, home 2-5 days, then gone 2-3 weeks, over and over again.  We hardly saw him.  How compassionate and kind of God to have Matt home and WITH me at the appointment the day I found out I had lost my Baby.  And, also Matt was able to stay home with me for 2 weeks afterwards.  He hadn’t been home that long in a very long time.

Second, God also met a need I didn’t even know I had.  On that Monday, after the ultrasound, my husband asked me if I wanted him to fly my mom to be with me.  I said no, realizing it would be costly to fly her from Texas to Washington State and knowing I had plenty of church family who could help with childcare during my surgery and afterwards.  I didn’t think I needed my mom with me.  But, thankfully, God knew my needs better than I did.  The day after my surgery, on Friday afternoon, my mom was leaving the grocery store and bumped into a professor that she works with at Texas Lutheran University. They were just doing the customary “Hi, how are you” exchanges, when the professor asked how I was doing.  My mom shared with her about my miscarriage.  Well, this professor had recently miscarried her twins at 7 months gestation and went home to be with her mom and family for several months. She had only recently returned to work and asked my mom why she wasn’t with me. This woman went home that night and bought my mom $700 plane tickets to come see me the next day!  How like My God to arrange that for me. When my mom arrived, I realized I DID need her. She didn’t necessarily DO anything particular or say anything different than what she could have said over the phone. But, just her presence with me, in my home, was exactly what I needed that week following the surgery.  God did not HAVE to bring my mom to see me.  But, He did. 

God also showed me His mercy by surrounding me with an extensive support system through our church family, MOPS group, and church sponsored Military Spouses Small Group.  I received countless cards, flowers, emails, phone calls, meals, hugs, and prayers from loving women. Having a support system like that doesn’t happen at every base, at least it hasn’t for me. God used these women to comfort and love me.

I had read somewhere that it helps to have a special box or place to put all the notes and memorabilia from a loss. I used this purple hat box and have kept it in view ever since so that I remember the baby I lost, but also remember how God showered me with love and mercy through a difficult time.

It took a few weeks for me to want to go back to church. There were at least 5 women who were all due within the same month as I was and I really didn’t want to see them pregnant and showing. 

During our praise and worship time that first morning back at church, we sang a song that now has a strong meaning to me and whenever I hear it I go back to this time of God’s mercy and love poured out to me in my time of need.  It’s called, Came To My Rescue by the group Hillsong. I’d like to read to you some of the lyrics.

My whole life
I place in your hands


God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down


In your presence at your throne



I called you answered


And you came to my rescue

I felt God’s love, compassion, and kindness surround me as I sang these words that morning.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I recalled all He had provided for in the previous weeks.

You see, He did come to my rescue.  He didn’t rescue me by saving my baby’s life, like I would have liked, but He rescued me by being with me. I was in so much pain from losing my baby and He was there for me. I experienced a side of His character that I had never experienced before, His Mercy and Love during a devastating time.

I don’t know why I miscarried. I’ll never know.  But, so much good has come out of my loss through what I have learned. 

First, I learned that loss is loss.   Whether you lose your baby, a loved one, a job, a dream, a home, a relationship or whatever you can fill that blank in with, loss hurts.  Everyone who experiences a loss goes through the stages of grief, some of which are shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, acceptance, hope and more.  Everyone goes through these stages in different orders and to varying degrees and amounts of time. 

About one month after I miscarried, I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine who had just moved back to our area.  Two months prior to her calling me she had experienced a tremendous loss of her own when her 3 young daughters were instantly killed in a car accident. She shouldn’t have survived, but she did and so did the woman driving the vehicle.  When I heard her voice, my first thought was “What do I say?”.  I soon realized, there was nothing to say.  What could I say that would soften or take away the pain of her loss. So, I listened.  When I visit her, like I did this past summer I talk about the girls.  Monica, Sarah, and Katie were dear to me. They played with my kids, they ate at my table in my home.  And, when I got off the phone with her that night, I thanked God that I could relate to her pain. I thanked Him that I had a small understanding of grief but most of all an understanding of His compassion and kindness that I knew he was providing for her also. 

And, I realized that there’s no way to compare loss. If I were to compare her loss and my loss,  obviously hers outweighed mine, no question. Yet, we were both hurting.   

Grief looks different for each person. There is no ONE way to grieve. Try not to compare your grief or level of grief with someone else’s.   What helped me was when someone told me that I had permission to grieve however I needed to grieve.  Some days were easier than others. Other days the miscarriage was on my mind all day long. But, over time, it got easier to go through my days without thinking as much about my loss.

The second lesson I learned is that now I can relate to other women who have miscarried. I know what it feels like, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Everytime I hear about someone who has miscarried, especially when it’s someone I know, my mind and heart go back to that time of loss and all that I felt.  It can come back in an instant. Although it’s painful, I’m thankful for it to some degree because I can genuinely be empathetic to someone who is grieving.

The third lesson learned is that I was able to experience God’s love and mercy in real ways during a very difficult time of loss. Matt was home, God brought my mom to me, and I was surrounded my women who loved and cared for me.

Maybe you’re here today and you’ve experienced a miscarriage and can relate to my story in some way.  Look back over that time, if you haven’t already, and see where God took care of you, where He provided for you.  And, thank Him.  He doesn’t leave us here to suffer alone.

Maybe you know someone who has recently miscarried or in the future someone you know miscarries.  I encourage you to do something for her.  Send her a note, an email or flowers. Take her a meal or dessert.  Write down some verses or encouraging words for her to soak in and think about. Make yourself available to be her listening ear. Allow her to grieve in her own way, at her own pace, whatever that looks like for her.

And, please don’t say things like, “This is God’s will” or “God never gives us more than we can handle” or “God works  everything out for good.”  Although there’s truth to those words, they are not helpful or at least they weren’t for me. In the midst of my grief, those types of phrases stung, they didn’t heal. They make God sound mean and as if He was out to get me. Instead, give a big hug, ask her how she’s feeling, tell her you have no words and that you can’t imagine what she’s going through. Make yourself available to spend time with her. Ask if she wants to talk about it and then, be ready to listen. 

If you’re listening to my story tonight and you’re not sure what it means to understand God’s mercy and love, I want you to know that you can understand. It is possible. He wants to have a relationship with you.  You can do that simply by recognizing you are a sinner, that you have done wrong things in your life, then believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that He died on the cross and rose again to forgive sins, and invite him to be the Savior of your life. Then, your relationship with Him begins.  If you would like more information about this or would like to begin your relationship with Jesus Christ, please see me, Patsy, or Rashell at the close of our meeting tonight. We would love to talk with you more about it.

My story does have a happy ending. Exactly one year after my miscarriage, I found out that I was pregnant with Ada and then on the two year anniversary, I was 5 months pregnant with Annalise. Here I am, coming up on our 4 year anniversary and I have 4 healthy children and a true story of how God reached me in his love and mercy during a time when I needed Him most.

Thank you for listening to my story.